Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
