so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
