I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
