This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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