I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
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Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
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75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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