i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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