apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
