Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
