I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
