well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
