If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
