I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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