i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
