Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
