i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
