Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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