I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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