My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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