Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
