I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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