I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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