And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
