You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
