i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
