shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Randomize
