I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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