I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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