Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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