She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
