wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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