Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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