"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
