Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
