i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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