I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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