So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
