woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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