I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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