I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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