It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
