I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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