You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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