hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Still dying that you shit outside
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
