The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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