She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
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