I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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