who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
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Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
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Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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