I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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