you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
