Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
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