i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.