Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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