I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize