i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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