If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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