apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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