i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Only a mothe r could love this liver
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
